Thursday, June 29, 2017

My no good, very bad, horrible day

 I don't often let myself sink into the doldrums but today definitely counts as a no good, very bad day.

Because I like to quantify my feelings

1) One of my favorite work friends and the person that helps me manage a pretty stressful job had her last day today. She's going to an awesome job that she'll be great at, but she's LEAVING ME and I'm really sad about it
2) It's also my favorite custody team's last day. That means I have to start from zero with a whole new crew. It took me three years to build a great relationship with this team and now they're leaving.
3) I applied for a job I wasn't sure I wanted, but now I think maybe I didn't get it and I'm more (a lot more) upset than I thought I would be
4) My childhood home, where my mother and my wedding dress and my baby pictures still live, is currently being evacuated for wildfire. My mom says she's "pretty sure" it's safe but that's not all that reassuring.
5) I start a new class tonight. That in and of itself is not bad, but it means I have to adult for a full 16 hours today instead of going home and drinking my ice cold can of wine while I feel sorry for myself.
6) My neighbor's front yard is full of furniture that appears to be stolen from a dumpster. Like full full.
7) It's the end of the month and despite restarting (and paying for) my gym membership I've gone ONCE this month. That was the single most expensive yoga class ever. I also failed at my Whole30 and my plan to stick to a fucking budget.

I fully acknowledge that this is the epitome of first world problems but damn. I really, really want to just go home and drink cheap wine in my plastic lawn chair. But instead I'm going to surprise my students with the thrill of weekly presentation assignments and a 12 page paper.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Belated Happy Birthday, Eli!

My first born turned ELEVEN last week. I think I was having some feelings about the man-child (obviously) because it took me a long time to write his birthday post. This kid. This kid made me a mom and has taught me so much in his eleven short years, not the least of which was learning to appreciate and love the kid you have. He is such a unique human being and I'm always in awe of the thoughts in his brain. His age is finally starting to catch up with his dry sense of humor so you can tell if he's being sarcastic. He still loves WWE, but he also loves Scouting and football and conversating. He is an awesome conversationalist, btw, and he is always piping in with some random conversation starter. 
The traditional breakfast donut

He requested nerf guns and a movie with a friend for his birthday. He was not disappointed. 

Birthday breakfast cake because after the donuts and movie treats, no one, even Eli, was in the mood for ice cream cake. All birthdays should last multiple days, right? 
The major birthday gift was a week long wrestling camp, and my folks paid for him to stay in the dorms. I've sent him out into the woods with dozens of tween and teen boys with no problem, but sending him to sleep in the dorms freaked me right the fuck out. So much that we even got him a dumb phone. The first thing he said was "I feel so independent!" 
So the day after his birthday he and I drove to the coast so I could drop him off at camp. 

I asked him for a gym picture and he rolled his eyes, but right before I left he jumped up and posed. *Swoon*

This is the picture we sent him on the first night, after he got choked up on the phone. Parents, if your kid is homesick SnapChat is magical. 

Seriously. That's my kid in a college dorm room. That made me want to cry. On the other hand, I don't even want to think about how terrible those dorms smelled after a week of wrestling camp with boys who are still mastering personal hygiene.  
 He had an awesome time all told, though I think the first night was pretty tough. Luckily my folks were able to watch a session each day. I think that helped. I also think the free access to Monster energy drinks didn't hurt. He quit responding to our texts after the second day, I think because he knew we could tell he was all amped up.

I'm really excited to see what the next year holds for this one. I'm hoping that it involves a lot more adventures and deodorant.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

It's getting HOT in here

This summer is SO WEIRD. Last week we had a couple of lovely 80 degree days, and now this week we have an "Extreme Heat Warning." Legit. It's supposed to be 109 tomorrow. ONE HUNDRED AND FUCKING NINE. I am so grateful that we impulsively upgraded to a central air system last year instead of the swamp cooler wind tunnel. I'm especially grateful since it kicks on at 6:00 am. And I was really, really grateful when Eli spiked a fever last night because of course he did.

Since it's been stupid hot, we've been holed up in our house like hermits. Which means we've started summer break off with all the TV and video games you can take, interspersed by random "Go do something that won't rot your brain!" breaks. Yesterday the girls were begging to go out back and I wouldn't let them, since I had burned my feet earlier on the concrete. No cutesy, "Before you have screen time..." signs in my house yet. We've been taking full advantage of our generous neighbor as soon as it gets cool enough to stand being outside.

Friday, June 16, 2017

What's in your desk?

I love thinking about people's jobs, especially the details. What kinds of e-mails do they get? What interesting tools do they use? What are the little creature comforts that make their day better? There are many things that are unique to working inside a prison. I go through no less than 8 gates on the way to my office, patiently waiting for each one to be opened for me by a mysterious person watching me from afar and then vaguely waving my thanks as I pass through. Each morning I choose my clothes based on the likelihood that I will have to respond to something in the housing unit (no heels because the tiers are perforated metal) or in a remote area of the prison (nothing binding or expensive, make sure I have pockets that day.) My bag is searched as I walk in to ensure that I have not accidentally left anything considered to be contraband in my purse (cellphones, cash, anything with my address on it, heroin, etc.) My cute mason jar salad was confiscated last week because the jar is glass.
I can’t have a camera in my office, but I thought it might be interesting to write about my “Prison Office Essentials.” These are the must-haves that I keep in or on my desk and use regularly.

  1. Hand sanitizer. ALL. THE. TIME. Prison is gross. I’m not super sensitive about germs, but this does make me feel better. Bonus benefit is that the smell is strong enough to mask Eau d’ Incarceration.
  2. Lanyard. I actually have two. One was a give-away and has the name of my prison on it. I wear that one when I’m feeling very Company-Girl. The other is a Vera Bradley number I bought myself last year. I wear that to be Fancy. I only wear my lanyards on days when I don’t have pockets, and I hook my keys and my ID to them. Doubly fun because then my keys bounce off my belly all day.
  3. Sistema convertible silverware. I heart this kit so hard. If you know anyone who works in a secure facility, buy this for them. Because 1) no metal utensils for obvious stabby reasons and 2) we love the Earth and can’t do disposable every day, the only other option was to eat with kids’ utensils from IKEA. Nothing says “professional, independent woman” like eating with a fork that looks like a penis and testicles.
    Image result for ikea kids silverware
    See it? 
  4. My DSM. I have both the DSM IV-TR and the DSM-5 nearby right now because we're still transitioning from the old version. I'm a big advocate of not memorizing reference books so these are well-thumbed. 
  5. Trader Joes Sea Salt Butterscotch Caramels. These need no explanation.
  6. Bubbles. This one isn’t universal, but I firmly believe that you should keep bubbles in your desk drawer. Nothing is better for work stress than taking a few seconds to blow bubbles. Fun fact: It is impossible to hyperventilate while you’re blowing bubbles. When I work with inmates in lower security levels, I sometimes will bring in a box of party-favor bubbles when I’m teaching them about the power of breathing.
  7. Tiny framed picture of the kids. Personal pictures of family are discouraged but I like to have a sweet picture of my heathens. This one is wallet sized and is tucked under my computer monitor. I have bigger framed pictures of the hellhounds on my bookshelf.
  8. Small bucket of whistles. We all carry whistles for security. I like to keep a few extras for anyone who doesn't have one or forgot theirs.
  9. Disposable face mask. This one actually lives in the pocket of my stab vest but it's still kind of interesting and it's near my desk, so I'm including it. I don't use these often, but I'm always grateful it's there when I need it. Pro tip: If someone is smearing poop, a little Vicks under your nose will make your life so much better. Vicks plus a face mask and you're golden.
  10. Wonder Woman mug. I keep all my Pilot G2 pens (I love these so much that I buy my own) in here, plus a couple little picket signs that Syd made me that say, "STOP! And be awsum!" There's also a pom pom pen stuck in there for whimsy.
I also have the basics tucked away; tampons, salt and pepper, hair ties, lotion, etc., but I figure those are more run-of-the-mill. So I'm curious. What unique things are on your desk that make your space "yours"? Anything that I should add to my collection?

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

On Ambition and Adulting

I've lamented to friends that since stepping down from the chief position, I feel like my ambition switch has been turned off. I'm typically ambitious to a fault. Reviews and references often talk about how I take on a lot of things. Obviously I know that about myself too. The thing is, I'm like a starving person at a buffet when it comes to experiences and opportunities. My life has never been well-planned and most of my major choices tend to follow the phrase, "Fuck it. Why not?"

It seems though, that lately my first response has been, "Fuck it. Why bother?" I am busy at work, and there are components that I enjoy, but for the most part I'm bored. I've conquered my particular mountain, crested the next one, and now I am kind of over the whole range. I can't imagine doing the same thing for the next 20 years, but I also had no inkling of what I'd rather be doing. That's a weird place for me to be because it's so different from where I usually hang out, but I also thought maybe this is part of adulting.

So at the same time that I was settling into stability, other things happened. This weekend at church, the sermon was all about thinking big. Don't ask God for a job, ask God for the perfect job. That started me thinking on what I might want to do if there were no limits. Then Monday, I found out that a job I had drug my feet on and missed the deadline for was re-opened. And then today I had a chance to have a pretty in-depth conversation with a friend about goals and opportunities. What I realized is that, yes, we do trip along in life and fall into opportunities. That's how C and I do adulting. However, I had stopped opening myself up to opportunities that may trip me into something awesome. I wasn't keeping an open mind or thinking creatively, and I certainly haven't been dreaming big. 

I'm feeling a bit more excited again. I still have no idea what I want to do, but I did apply for the job. I've also decided that I'm going to start setting aside time to dream, so that I start to get a better idea of what sounds like it might be awesome. I'm trying to commit to writing more, because I love it and my writing obviously suffers when I'm inconsistent. I'm also keeping an open mind. I'm going to network and train in whatever grabs my interest because I'm lucky enough to have a stable, consistent job that allows me to attend trainings on trauma-based yoga or mindful doodling.

I'm really interested in other people's experiences with this. The typical tenure for my demographic is less than five years, and less than eight in state service. I'm at four in my current position, and while I love a lot of it, I am at least 25 years from retirement. So my question for you is, as adults, how do you explore other career opportunities when you've exceeded the typical "entry level"? And have you ever changed gears professionally? If so, how did you do it?

Because every blog needs a picture

Monday, June 12, 2017

Family portrait - Averson, 2017

Avery drew this at church this weekend. Isn't it the cutest thing ever?

She insisted on calling C from the house phone and it was stupid cute. She called him "My new friend Thomas." 

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Mermaid Hair Don't Care

Syd has been coveting rainbow hair since last summer. Since her hair is so dark we couldn't do the temporary DIY color, but I told her that if she saved up her money to pay half I'd cover the other half. I love it SO MUCH. I want to do it myself now, but I'm afraid that might be a little too twinsie. I still might do it, but I'm acknowledging that it might be weird.  I'm probably going to do it.

Pre-salon Starbucks

This is the point I started to choke up because I can absolutely see her in this same spot ten years from now. 

Bleach streaks. She looks like me, circa 1999

You can't see the color, but you can tell how much she loves it :)