I had absolutely no internal censor today. As in none. I'm not really sure why, but I know that it wasn't good. In "sessions" (which lately consist mostly of me yelling through cracks in cell doors while the guy on the other side a. ignores me, b. sleeps, or c. I don't really want to think about it) I said, more than once, "Really? Like, you think people believe that?" and "Oh sure. I can totally see how your dog's death led you to rape, torture, and kill several people years later. Makes perfect sense." A friend once said to me, "You just have to be mean sometimes." I didn't believe her, but now I totally get it. There's really sick people on my unit, like, Jason Russell on a corner sick. But for each really sick guy, there's three more who are either not sick at all, or way more criminal than crazy. And sometimes you have to be mean. Usually though, I'm a bit more tactful.
During our treatment team meeting, which consists of my boss and most of my co-workers, one of my inmates was ineffectually playing very dumb and very vulnerable. I had LITERALLY seen him 30 minutes earlier laughing and joking and singing with staff. So when he acted like he had no idea when my boss asked him a question, I actually said "Yeah. Try again." Out loud. Empathy and supportive therapy, FTW!
After that, I engaged in a "That's what she said" conversation, with a sergeant, for longer than was probably professionally appropriate. We ragged on a coworker and his breath. I said "Fuck" more today than I have all month. I pried my boss for details on how someone managed to expose themselves while in restraints. I asked the same boss if her dementia was getting worse.
Seriously. No censor. At all.
Dr. Chiconky: Keeping it real.