Friday, December 2, 2011

Fifteen minutes

It's 8:30 in the morning and today sucks. No, it capital "S" Sucks. It's one of those days where things just snowball, until you realize that there's really no way to turn it around. I woke up to my alarm at 5:00, only to find that I couldn't turn it off because there were too many people on top of me. As I brushed my teeth Eli came shuffling in, as he has for the past week, to shadow-kid my entire morning routine. He literally lays on the floor next to the shower. The cat puked in the hallway. No one's folded laundry in God-knows-how-long so I had to do the ever dignified dig for something acceptable to wear to work. I went to start my car, and found that C had left his keys in the door overnight. It took me five minutes to force the fucking key out of the door, while Eli sat next to the door wrapped in a blanket asking, "Mama, are you frustrated?" It's "C" show-and-share and Eli wants to take Tical (the cat of enormous size). Great idea, but not gonna happen. How about a camera? Can't find the f-ing battery. So he wants to take this quarter-machine ring that he gave me ages ago, since it's a "crystal." Sure, fine, whatever. Please be careful because it's very special to me. Blah blah blah. Literally as I'm walking out the door, just barely on time, C sends the baby out, saying "Incoming!" So back inside to situate the kids. Finally ready to go, I go to tell C (who is still in bed) goodbye and his parting words are "Take a deep breath. Try to calm down." I will tell you right now, saying "Calm down" to a sometimes high-strung working mother who currently is just barely holding her shit together is like writing your own death sentence. You may as well tell me to get back in the kitchen, take off my shoes, and remember my place.

I get to work, where a get a call from C who starts out saying, "You know that ring you gave Eli for school today? How important is it?" Deep breaths, because we both know where this is headed, and I'm trying to maintain perspective and not think about how Eli gave me that ring a year and a half ago because "It's beautiful like you Mama" "Well, Eli lost the stone and I'm trying to decide how much effort to put into finding it." If you'd seen my house this morning, you'd know that this was akin to finding the lost city of Atlantis. Deep breaths (though in my head I'm thinking "Did this really warrant a phone call? What do you want me to do about it?") "Oh wait, he found it. Should I let him take it to school? What do you want me to do?" ("Just super-glue the fucking thing. I don't care. I'm barely holding on and I've eaten two donuts since I got to work and everyone is looking at me with pity in their eyes and oh dear god I've lost all semblance of professionalism and I'm a walking fucking stereotype") "Babe? What do you want me to do? You know what? Nevermind, I have to go get the kids to school." Click. And then my head exploded all over my office. And now it's 8:45. It's going to be a long fucking day.

5 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh no, not "calm down." I hate that so much. A close second, "You need to" statements when I am already angry. Harry has been ALL OVER ME lately, too. Glad to hear someone else's kid does it. A phase for sure.

Phoenix Rising said...

"Calm down" has always had the opposite effect on me. Also, for the love of all that is good and holy, why the hell can't they figure out things without making the "what should I do?" phone call?! (Okay. This may or may not be a current issue in my home.) (And by that I mean it DEFINITELY is an issue in my home and I'm about ready to lose my shit. You can find me in the parking lot, sobbing over my steering wheel because I just need a good meltdown before I can muster enough courage to go home.)

abba said...

Well . . . at least it's Friday.

Anonymous said...

How funny - my word verification was C's name!

imaya said...

WOW your morning hit pretty much all my "Worst possible things to say to me", as well as adding in those "PLEASE DON'T BE NEAR ME OR TOUCH ME" parenting moments when you have to smile and take or damage your child for life. But out of all that crap the thing that would of thrown me over the edge was the phone call. Joe does these too and I am like, "WHY CAN'T YOU FIGURE THIS OUT WITHOUT ME?!" I know they are just trying to do the right thing so we don't get mad but COME ON. It seriously is in my top irritation list cause generally the answer is something so freakin' obvious like super glue. Hope the day got better and that you had a great Saturday.