Monday, April 25, 2011

What the...?

Driving home, I started mentally planning Syd's birthday party. I've got a theme, the invitations are ordered, and I'm working on the food. After I picked the kids up I took them to Target to spend some Easter money that their grandparents sent them. While there, I found the ball popper we were planning on getting Syd for her birthday on sale. Score!

I loaded up the kids and was driving home, listening to them both chattering away in the back (Eli about Spiderman, Syd repeating "Nana? BA NANA! Nana? BAAA NANA!") and I thought to myself "Hmm. In a couple of weeks I can turn her around and actually see what she's doing back there." And then it hit me. I can turn her around in a couple of weeks. Because she'll be one. One year old. WTF?! When did that happen? How did that happen? How did she go from this

To this?

And what about the other one? The one who'll turn FIVE!!! just a month later?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Rodeo Parade

Eli LOVES a rodeo, and this weekend there was a huge one in town. However, tickets were a lot more expensive than I could justify, given Eli's fickleness and my anxiety with two kids in a crowd. So we comprimised and went to the (free) parade, which was early enough no one was drunk and the crowd was completely manageable. The kids loved it! Syd clapped for every single entrant and Eli was all rodeo-ed up after seeing each of the 341 horses. Two and a half hours later they had outlasted every other person on our block.

If I was being snarky, I would tell you about the woman who sat next to us with her family and attempted to take 8 million pictures/videos/etchings of her children holding hands, which obviously was not happening. Also, they had pretentious names. So, for example, "James Erik! James Erik! James Erik put your hands down! Hold Tiffany's hand! Hold her hand! Hold hands you two! Look here! James Erik! Tiffany! Look here! Look at mama! PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN! LOOK HERE! JAMES ERIK!" Over and over and over and over. I really just wanted to slip her a Valium. I might also tell you my suspicion that the parade was segregated, as there was a noticable pause and then the rest of the parade was all Mexican dancers, cowboys, musicians, Native American dancers, and a few karate schools. Hmmm... BUT, it was a great time, and my kids coordinated without any input from me. So let's focus on the adorable

And not on the one-armed man who forced his horse to ride on top of a trailer for an entire parade while he cracked a whip (cool, but the horse was obviously not digging it.) Also, he tucked his non-arm in his belt and I can't figure out why.

And bringing up the rear...

I took the kids to Panera today for lunch after a morning spent watching the parade. I was feeling pretty awesome, mom out alone with two kids, not frazzled, having a pleasant conversation with Eli while Sydney chowed down on raw onions (WTF?) Eli was telling me all about his dreams of being a cowboy and having his very own horse. Then he tells me he wants a horse named, wait for it... Ass Tank. Ass Tank? And he's adamant. Ass Tank. And he keeps talking about it, louder and louder.

Took me about 15 minutes of "Are you sure you want to name him that?" "Where'd you come up with that name?" and "What exactly does that mean?," while all the while my angelic little four year old keeps repeating "Ass Tank," to figure out he meant "Aztec."

Monday, April 18, 2011

What a day

  • I woke up this morning, on time, and contrary to the previous several mornings did not feel like I had been hit by a truck. A Vespa maybe, but not a truck.

  • The kids got up with me and were absolute joys. I got ready with the sounds of them playing together in the background.

  • Another partial lockdown, so I caught up at work and even had time to finally rearrange my office. Now I can actually see out of my window! I had to sacrifice my phone, which now lives in a drawer, but I feel completely rejuvenated. I wish I could take a picture to show it.

  • Decided to give myself one more pass on the gym to "heal" so ran a couple of errands, alone, before I picked up the kids.

  • Came home to find that the housekeepers had completely raised the bar. The house looked A.MAZ.ING.

  • Got my first thredup box in the mail, and it did not suck. Yay!

  • Made leftovers for dinner. Which Syd then projectile vomited everywhere.

  • Stripped her and took her outside to test drive her new swing. She LOVES it. She giggled the whole time.

  • Came in to start bedtime. Gave Syd a bottle. Which she projectile vomited everywhere.

  • Everyone in the tub. Eli and Syd are laughing like lunatics. No one cried when I washed their hair.

  • Bedtime. No tears, no fights, just stories and giggles and snuggles. Also, no vomit.

  • Candy bars with C, he's playing video games while I read blogs.

I love a day when projectile vomit does not merit top billing.

Friday, April 15, 2011


Dude. You guys are awesome. I truly wasn't fishing for complements, but y'all definately delivered. And if there was any question, I can be reassured that, though I may be lumpy with a frog voice, I still have my hair :) Here's the thing. The women who asked if I was pregnant? One asked me today for more medication because she'd snorted all of hers so that she could be pregnant on the day she gets out of prison. The other one hit on a co-worker that wears these to work. I really don't take much of what they say to heart. If anything, their honesty is endearing (or aggravating, but I digress.) But still, thank you. You made me smile.

So, on a totally unrelated note. Today we had a partial lockdown, so I had a few hours to kill. This led to a few conversations with my co-workers. One of the reasons I love working on Fridays is the team that's there. We can talk about almost anything. Today though was pretty heavy on the shrink talk, which kind of makes me want to cut off my head. Some of the things that I said today, with a completely straight face:

"This might be my own 'stuff' but..." This is shrink code for "I'm about to say something whiny but want to sound self-aware."
"I'm just feeling very frustrated and irritated." Dude. Emotions are good, but I don't ALWAYS have to name them.
"You've brought up________ several times. I wonder if there's something going on behind that?" Not to a patient but to a co-worker. Really. I usually try not to "shrink" when I'm off-duty, but apparently I'm not always so good with it. Seriously. Sometimes I want to smack myself in the face.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

It's amazing I have any ego at all

Dude. I got back into running (the C2K program. LOVE IT!) and again started gaining weight. WTF? I took a few days off and lost three pounds. C and I were talking about it, and it may be that I eat better without the "but I'm running today" justification, but still. Erg. One of the things I love about kids and inmates is that they rarely have a working censor. They say whatever pops into their head and it's usually said without mean intentions. But still. Two women have asked me, on separate occasions, if I'm pregnant this week. Really?! I'll admit I don't have washboard abs, but I don't think I'm that lumpy. I mean, maybe I should carry a picture of me pregnant for comparison. Like "Please? You think this looks pregnant? Check this shit out!" I've never had great skin, and I have lamented for awhile that I should not have to endure both pimples and wrinkles. But alas. And lately it hasn't been great (I'm sure it has nothing to do with collapsing in bed in full make-up. Or the new coffee habit. Though now I'm thinking "weight gain, belly bloat, and pimples. Hmmm." Moving on.) And Syd loves the spots. She forces my face in different directions so that she can touch each one like some dermatalogical anthropologist. Every time she sees me. Thanks Baby. So sweet. Oh a new one! Yay! Geez. So summary. Fat. Lazy. Pimply. It's like being a teenager without the angst and less flannel. Though I'm slightly more mature, usually, these days. And I was pulling myself through pretty well. But now I've also lost my voice. Fat, lazy, pimply, with a Peter Brady voice and I'm officially pushing the limits of healthy self-esteem.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Awesome weekend

C had the entire weekend off, which never happens. We spent most of the weekend on a project that will hopefully be "unveiled" soon, but other than that we just hung out together. T'was awesome. Some highlights: Eli can read! Not just recognize words but actually read. It's like he flipped a switch and all of the sudden gets it. I'm so excited I can't even put words to it (ha!) I was tempted to go buy him new "early reader" books, but then I looked at their sagging bookshelf and had a reality check. Though we may still end up at the bookstore later this week. I'm just so excited for him!
He also learned how to ride his skateboard down the driveway. Over and over and over and over. He went from being super timid to this crazy daredevil, almost overnight.
The zoo. Always a hit, but this time Syd cared about where we were instead of just screaming about the injustice of having to be pushed around in a stroller. She LOVED the turtles, signing "more" everytime we tried to leave. Speaking of signing, she's totally exploded with the signs! Now she does "more" and "all done,"blows kisses, and says "Mama," "Dada," "Nana" (banana), "Buh" (brother), and "Woof." My favorite is when she signs "more," then claps, telling us she'd like us to cheer for her more. I was worried that this one would get less attention than her brother, but I don't think she's going to let that happen :)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I am bored. Not "flip the channels, clean the kitchen" bored, but more "cut your hair, join the circus" bored. Between graduate school and internship I haven't done the same thing for this long since I waited tables in undergrad. I drive a mini-van and wear quasi-sensible shoes. My hair is non-descript. I haven't been losing any weight, despite picking running back up (which I'm sure has nothing to do with it being Girl Scout cookie season), and I'm refusing to buy new clothes with only 10-ish pounds left to go. I do the same things with the same people at the same places wearing the same clothes. Same same same. I (re)pierced my nose last week in an effort to shake things up, but it was disappointingly anti-climactic, though I'm happy to have it back. I've been trying to get a tattoo, but the artist's definition of "soon" and mine appear to be very different. I'm playing with possibly cutting my hair, but it's been such a long time since it's been this long. I just can't seem to figure out how to scratch this itch. I'm open to suggestions. Lately I've been spending a lot of time, and money, at the fabric store. Because I'm *edgy* But I feel like I need something different to bump out of this rut.

Monday, April 4, 2011

It's an interesting approach

Sometimes when I'm getting ready for work Eli will wake up (at the crack of dawn) and want to follow me around as I finish getting ready. This part's great, but unfortunately it's often followed by "But Mama..., don't leave Mama, why can't you take me to school Mama?" and a 5 minute good-bye suddenly becomes 15, culminating in peeling/shushing a crying (dramatically, not emotionally) four year old off of my leg, then I'm rushing out the door, squealing into the parking lot at a *barely* reasonable 15 minutes late, and ducking all the looks as I sneak into the morning meeting just in time to sign in and leave. It's a crappy way to start my day, and I miss getting my second cup of coffee. Seriously, it just starts the day off bad. One morning a few months back I told Eli that I had to be on time to work or my boss, who Eli met once, will get mad at me and I'll get in trouble. This accomplished two things. One, Eli started letting me leave a bit easier and two, I totally villian-ized my boss. Luckily we don't do a lot of fraternizing. This morning I was again trying to leave, late as usual, and Eli was walking me to the door. I could see the wheels turning and he'd already asked once if I could take him to daycare. But instead of throwing a fit or dissolving in hysterics, he thought hard and made this suggestion. "Mama, if you're late, just act like a kangaroo." "What?!" "Yeah Mama, act like a kangaroo. Then Dr. _____ won't notice that you're late and he won't be mad." Pretty clever, don't you think?