Monday, October 15, 2018

Banner week!


I bought a big ass fancy house!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I totally didn't want to jinx anything until I had the keys in my greedy little hand, and now I do! This house is ALL THE THINGS. The neighborhood legit looks like Disney designed it. The whole neighborhood is made up of cul-de-sacs. They have block parties and put out luminarias on Christmas Eve (but call them luminaries which will never, ever sound like a real word.) It needs a TON of work, both fun carpet and paint work and not-so-fun replacing side doors and pool pump work. Oh yeah. Because it has a POOOOOL and now my husband and kids can wear themselves out during the summer. It's almost twice the size of our current house, with a two car garage and the most amazing loft area, and a master bathroom, and a breakfast bar, and all the wonderful wonderful things. It's also covered in blue carpet I can't afford to replace yet, but I don't even care because I love it so much.
This is the new view from my front step. There's a fish pond under that tree.

Terrible picture, but we're sitting at my new (to me, actually it's really old and kind of gross) breakfast bar! 
I bought myself a housewarming gift. His name is Morty and I can't wait until it's a reasonable time for Christmas decorations. 

You guys. I just love it so very very much.

In other news, C got a job at the school supervising lunch and recess. He originally was volunteering, but a "full time" position opened up and they offered it to him. He really loves it and the kids and teachers love him. And not to gender security, but twice now he's confronted adults who were on school grounds and both times they quickly left when he asked them to. It makes me feel a lot safer knowing he's out there. Though he did get the feedback, "Maybe you should reconsider asking fourth graders about the supernatural" so he's not all rules and boundaries :) 

And in addition to our big awesome stuff, we also did some less big awesome stuff:
I <3 book="" fair="" nbsp="" td="">

I bought these wooden houses from the Target dollar spot and we worked on them ALL DAY. It was a legit family fun activity and they turned out so cute!
And no picture because I'm lame, but Eli got his first football injury :( He sprained his elbow and was prescribed rest and no sports until he's pain free. So he's managed to finagle not having to take notes in class because "it's so hard to move my arm." That kid...

I'm out of town for work this week (perfect timing since we have to be out of our house next week) and my hotel is NOT fucking around with the decorations. Each one of these creepy things also moves and talks. Because of course. And there's bloody handprints on the elevator. 
I have no good way to end this except to say "I bought a big fancy house!" and now I'm staying in the Murder Hotel...

Monday, October 8, 2018

Legos, Wreaths, and Psychopaths

There's a very good chance we'll be moving next weekend, so we spent this past weekend, which was uncharacteristically free of any sports or obligations, milking all the leisure activities we could fit in

Saturdays are Lego Day at the library. Averson built "A security system for an evil, omnipotent lobster. It turns into a car, submarine, and helicopter and there's a precious jewel in the safe in the back." 

Eli went to a friend's house for the weekend (!) but the rest of the family agreed to go with me to a huge craft fair. I think C eventually regretted his decision, but by then we were all in. I puffy heart a good craft fair. FYI: the trend this year seems to be puffy wreaths and thermal bowl holders. In case you're on the craft fair circuit. 

We got Eli back on Sunday just in time for family pictures, and he promptly passed the fuck out when we got home. He is totally part hamster. 

I set a goal to read 60 books this year, and this weekend I passed my goal! It was fitting that my final book (Baby Teeth) was creepy AF. I actually went back to my library hold list after I finished it because I feel like maybe I need a break from psychopaths? I read the book about the Golden State Killer and I sort of fangirled a bit. I know, I know, killing and raping is wrong. But man, he was REALLY good at what he did. I think when you start appreciating the extent of someone's evilness, you need a little bit of Chick Lit in your life. But on the other hand, after I read I'll Be Gone in the Dark I've decided that my next goal is to be a true crime writer, so maybe I need to toughen up...

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

My kid's amazing and I'm kind of a jerk

A few weeks after Eli started middle school, he came home talking about the assembly they had. The Vice Principal had suggested that kids could sign up to use their electives to help in certain classes, and Eli said he thought he might volunteer to help in the special needs class. A girl he knew helped in the classroom and pushed wheelchairs. Honestly, I figured he was either thinking about it to be around the girl or to get out of art class. 

Fast forward a few weeks and Eli's stopped talking about the girl but he's still working in the classroom. During Back-to-School night I found out that the class he's been working in is specifically for kids with severe mental disabilities and behavior issues. Because I'm an awesome mom who thinks only the best of my sneuxflakes, I still figured this was either about a girl or getting out of art class. 

Last week he offhandedly mentioned that they'd pulled him out of class to take his picture. 

YOU GUYS. The teacher nominated him for Student of the Month. There is no girl and he's been spending his class period working on social skills with these kids. The whole class presented him with his certificate and each of the kids drew him a card. He showed me pictures that he took during the class and it was seriously the sweetest thing ever. 

You guys? This kid drives me crazy but I think he's turning out to be a pretty awesome human. 

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Randomness in all it's glory

We're still selling our house but it's in a weird limbo where I don't want to jump the gun and start packing, but also, we're supposed to close in like 10 days so maybe I should be putting shit in boxes? I don't know. I'm sure it's all going to end up in 48 hours of no sleep and a lot of swear words. 

In other news: 
I tried the headband curl method and my hair always looks like a walk-of-shame lion when I first wake up. BUT, it's AWESOME looking by mid-afternoon AND it lets me shower at night. So, if you see me first thing in the morning, that's why I look a mess. 

I quit Weight Watchers and Intermittent Fasting, AND packed away the scale. This has led to more DQ trips. If you haven't had the pumpkin pie blizzard I highly recommend it! 

My students bought me dry erase markers because they were tired of hearing me bitch about the crappy ones at the school. So basically, class of the year. 
And finally, if you stick googly-eyes onto your eyelids you become one of the creepiest dads in the world. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Full Circle

I was at a prison today doing an audit, and I got distracted by an inmate with a really sweet service-dog-in-training (because I'm a person who gets distracted by dogs now.) Several prisons around here have dog programs, but I don't often get the opportunity to talk at length with the trainers.

He explained that at this point in the training, they don't know how the dog will eventually be utilized. That's determined when they move on and get assessed in their advanced training. Apparently there are more than 65 different disabilities that qualify for free service animals. The inmates do the basic puppy training and work on basic commands and socialization. This guy showed me how he had trained the dog to pick up a wallet, put it's own halter on, and wave good-bye. We talked about his last dog, who has since graduated and been placed with a college professor in Hawaii. He just got a picture and a letter from the dog :)

So in the conversation, he also told me about a friend of his who had passed away in prison last year. This man's dog graduated a few months ago and was placed with the Oregon District Attorney. I immediately thought he meant THE DA, but he clarified that the dog was assigned to the District Attorney's office, and is used as a comfort dog for children who have been victims or witness of violent crime. The dog is trained to sit with them in court and on the witness stand.

After he tells me the story, he said, "Isn't that cool? It's like full circle! This man, who created so many victims in his life, helped train a dog that's providing service and comfort to kids who are victims."

Totally makes up for some of the other BS that I see at work

Friday, September 14, 2018


OMG. I was so excited to have three big kids, but big kids come with a lot more activities and commitments than squishy little babies do. At least four nights a week, we have at least two different practices, at least one of which C coaches. On one night, we have two practices, Scouts, and I teach a night class. Wednesdays are a complicated dance of drop-offs, pick-ups, and throwing food at various kids in the car. It's only until the end of October, but good Lord, we drive around a lot.

So of course we thought it would be the perfect time to sell our house and simultaneously buy another one. Despite all of our assertions that we would need more time than usual to get the house cleaned up and cleared out, we usually get about an hour's notice. I often have baskets of laundry shoved in the back of my hoopty. Luckily (?) for us, we had an offer on our house in two days. zOMG. TWO DAYS. So if I think about it realistically, we should be moving out in two weeks.

As a newly minted "person who mops regularly" I cannot sing the praises of Fabuloso loud enough. Seriously guys. Dollar store. It's AMAZING. Also, I pour it down the drain right before we leave the house. 
But I'm still me, so I also recommend a giant storage trunk for a coffee table
We have an offer accepted on a MUCH bigger house (with a pool!) in an amazing neighborhood. Seriously, this neighborhood is ridiculous! It looks like a movie set. BUT, I think the last time it was updated or maintained was around the time I was born. So let the negotiations commence. Hopefully we won't be homeless (our offers are both contingent so we won't really be homeless, but this neighborhood is really really nice so I want this to work out. Fingers crossed xxx)
This works for showing the house, moving, AND being homeless

Thursday, August 16, 2018

First Day of School! (and back to our overly scheduled programming)

And within hours, we were slamming face first back to reality. All three kids started school today, 7th, 3rd, and Kindergarten (!), which I was totally cool with until we left without any kids this morning. Suddenly all my "Three's great! I'm so over babies! Look at me with no diaper bag!" was feeling pretty old and dumb and needing a squishy little baby strapped to her chest ASAP.

However, the morning full of anxious energy would have been a lot harder to manage with an infant thrown into the mix. So there's that...

Eli started middle school today and he spent the morning frantically trying to memorize his schedule and the school map. Averson handled her stress the same way she always does, which is to say that she had a screaming fight with me about who should do her damn ponytail. Syd on the other hand, her only issue was that she kept trying to covertly roll her shorts up to make them shorter and hopefully get dress-coded on the first day back. C wisely knew that his nerves weren't going to help, so he stayed hidden until I pulled rank and forced everyone outside for pictures.

In the first of what appears to be the theme of trying to get everyone everywhere simultaneously, we dropped Eli off a couple minutes early. He didn't want to be walked in (or maybe didn't want to say he wanted walked in?) so we dropped him off on the sidewalk. Oof. I was totally fine until I saw him walk away, and then I worried for him clear until we picked him up. Would he get lost? Would he lose his lunch money? What if no one talked to him? What if the wrong kids talked to him? It was all for naught and he was totally fine. He made a few new (girl)friends, loved the pizza lunch, and helped other kids find their rooms. Thank God.
OMG. So nervous. 

Then we screamed across town (not really, more like two miles) to drop the girls off. Syd was thrilled to be back to school and her only concern was that her teacher would be meaner than her second grade teacher, who I always compare to Ms. Honey from Matilda. Mary Poppins is meaner than she is. As soon as we got to the school, she was off with her friends telling them all about how she jumped into a volcano. Every time I tried to track her down for a picture she'd disappear again, so this is the best I got. 
Averson was thrilled to be in school and to find her desk and meet her new friends. When her teacher started ushering parents out I told her it was time to go and she looked terrified. Thinking I'd misread her bravado, I immediately went into crisis mode but then she said, "But I don't want to go yet!" She was super relieved when I clarified that I was leaving and she wasn't. Then it was "Peace Out Mom!" I was trying to be open-minded about her class and some of the kids and all the first time parents (because let's be honest, I can be a touch judgy sometimes), but then some mom dropped off a screaming kid who NEVER STOPPED SCREAMING. Literally, at least fifteen minutes went by. We stood outside the door for a while catching up with other parents and he was STILL SCREAMING. Not crying, not whimpering, full on screaming. Finally the principal took him to her office thirty minutes after the bell rang. I was so grateful that I talked to Averson about how some kids might be sad or cry on the first day, but even she had a hard time hiding her WTF? face. At pick-up I heard that it never really got better, though Averson told me that he said a bad word at recess so I'm assuming he stopped screaming at least momentarily. I felt so terrible for the poor teacher that I snuck a can of purse wine and a pack of caramel M&Ms in a gift bag onto her desk. 
Tiny person. GIANT BACKPACK. 

My heart. Also, so so grateful that they put "Averson" on all of her things. It's the little things. 

And now we're back to life. Four days a week we have multiple kids at multiple practices across three towns, with very little time in between. In two weeks, right about when we get the hang of it, I start a new  night class which will throw an awesome wrench into the mix. Ready? Set? Go! 

PS: Any good dinner ideas for crazy frantic nights where some or all of us may be eating at a field or in a parking lot would be super-appreciated!