Injustice

A couple of months ago I scored a killer deal on a photography special via Groupon. Like, such a good deal that I could plan a funky, trendy picture and not worry about it being a "priceless heirloom." And I've been having SO. MUCH. FUN. Y'all, I went to Urban Outfitters for the first time, fell in love, and now gaze longlingly at the most awesome t-shirt ever designed. That currently hangs in. my. closet. I designed new outfits complete with accent colors. I bought new make-up and even splurged on a skin "regiment," albeit from Target, because I normally have the skin of a 14 year old video game addict.

So because I was having so much fun, I thought, "You know, I should try to do something about this chin issue!" I decided to go back to South Beach, because I figured I did okay last time and it was a perfect solution for dropping 5-10 pounds quick. So we (because C didn't really have a choice) did it. And I did it well. I valiently ate eggs every morning. I snacked on bowls of veggies the size of my head. I drank so much water that I think one day I actually overdosed. I ate bowl after bowl after bowl of chili and lentils and beans and fake pasta. I lost a few pounds, my skin cleared up, and I felt great. C loves the diet, but he supplemented with Burger King and Kool-Aid popsicles. At the end of two weeks he lost 12 pounds! Me? I lost 0.8. Seriously. WTF? So I rebelled and ate a sandwich (with bread!) and 4 girl scout cookies. It didn't help the weight loss, but guess whose face broke back out? With a vengeance? The week of our pictures?

So I guess it's good that I finally figured out what triggers my face (FINALLY, after 25 years!), but crappy that if I want the clear skin, I have to give up sugar. Which won't have the added bonus of helping me drop these last 15 pounds. It's like a really shallow, egocentric version of Sophie's Choice. Blemishes or Brownies?

Keeping it real

I had absolutely no internal censor today. As in none. I'm not really sure why, but I know that it wasn't good. In "sessions" (which lately consist mostly of me yelling through cracks in cell doors while the guy on the other side a. ignores me, b. sleeps, or c. I don't really want to think about it) I said, more than once, "Really? Like, you think people believe that?" and "Oh sure. I can totally see how your dog's death led you to rape, torture, and kill several people years later. Makes perfect sense." A friend once said to me, "You just have to be mean sometimes." I didn't believe her, but now I totally get it. There's really sick people on my unit, like, Jason Russell on a corner sick. But for each really sick guy, there's three more who are either not sick at all, or way more criminal than crazy. And sometimes you have to be mean. Usually though, I'm a bit more tactful.

During our treatment team meeting, which consists of my boss and most of my co-workers, one of my inmates was ineffectually playing very dumb and very vulnerable. I had LITERALLY seen him 30 minutes earlier laughing and joking and singing with staff. So when he acted like he had no idea when my boss asked him a question, I actually said "Yeah. Try again." Out loud. Empathy and supportive therapy, FTW!

After that, I engaged in a "That's what she said" conversation, with a sergeant, for longer than was probably professionally appropriate. We ragged on a coworker and his breath. I said "Fuck" more today than I have all month. I pried my boss for details on how someone managed to expose themselves while in restraints. I asked the same boss if her dementia was getting worse.

Seriously. No censor. At all.

Dr. Chiconky: Keeping it real.

OMG! This will make the cutest picture!

WTF Subway?

I usually don't care much about kids' meal toys, except to wish I could time-travel back and never purchase one, so Eli would never know that there was a possibility that his food could come with a toy. Thereby making him beg for crappy food, not eat crappy food, and request a PB&J thirty seconds after we get home. But I digress... I don't really think much of the boy/girl toys. Whatever. My Little Pony, Star Wars, it's all good. Pick your battles and such. But then C took the kids to Subway and came home with these.

Let's start with the stupidity of the bags. Subway, you'd be better off offering a cookie and just shucking the gift-with-purchase. These bags suck, fall apart, and I currently have about twelve that Eli won't let me toss. Sure, at least they aren't tied into some crappy cartoon (and who can disparage the Smithsonian?) But then, on top of that you put a "toy" and make us choose "boy" or "girl" So C, an honest man, says one of each and is presented with one bag for each kid, one featuring a fire helmet and the other a piano. Cool. But then inside, Eli gets a fireman's badge with stickers for his name. On the back are facts about fire stations and fire safety. Syd got a mirror.

A mirror that has nothing to do with playing piano, music, or the arts. Merely "Your Own Personal Mirror" with no explanation about how the two correlate. Subtle, Subway. Real subtle.

Afternoon Delight

Not that kind. Pervert.

My schedule has it's downsides, mainly being up before the church crowd and leaving my cozy family sleeping soundly on a day meant for lazing around together. But it also has it's benefits. I get to volunteer in Eli's class. I can schedule appointments like normal people. And I'm free for spontaneous afternoon outings to generally reserved for weekend places. Like the children's museum. All that was really a prelude for "Look at all the pictures of my kids!"

Those smocks? Totally useless.

I swear she's not picking her nose (in this picture)

How freaking cool is this?

I love finding them playing together. 'Tis awesome.

Dancing Queen

Dude. How freaking cute is this?

Also, I'm pretty sure every single video of Sydney has some commentary from her brother in the background. Usually of the "Look at me! Look at me!" variety. Oh he loves his sister, but he HATES not being the center of attention. Like his dad :)

McD's, mass murderers, and merry-go-rounds

C took an impromptu trip back to Fresno this weekend to "party with the boys" (seriously. That's what he said.) and so the kids and I planned an extravaganza. It started with Redbox movies (How have I never done this?) and dinner AT McDonalds. Not from. AT. With a free pass to play on the playground for as long as they wanted. We were there for over two hours. The weather was a beautiful temperature for sipping a diet coke and half-assedly supervising my children as they crashed and barreled to their hearts' delight.

We came home after bedtime and set up camp on the living room floor. There were stacks of blankets and more pillows than one family should own. We watched Dolphin Tale (Awesome.) and Zookeeper (Exactly as bad as you think it'd be). After both kids crashed I tried to watch The Help, finally, but just couldn't get into it. May have been that I started it at 11:30.

At 3:44 I awoke, on the couch with Syd on my chest and Eli on the floor in front of my, to the sound of shattering glass. Y'all. I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. I'm always a little paranoid when C is gone (hence the family camp out) so I had my keys, purse, and phone right by the couch. But still. I didn't really expect to need them. So it's dark, I'm covered in babies, and there's glass breaking. I did the first thing I thought of and grabbed my phone. Seriously almost dialed 911 before I'd gotten up, but then decided that I couldn't just lie there. Luckily, because it turned out that this giant clock that we had hung over our mantle had fallen off the wall. That would've been embarrassing when the cops showed up.

I have no idea why it fell. I've obsessively checked to make sure we didn't have an earthquake. By 4:00 I'd picked up all the glass and quasi-came down from the adrenaline high. By 7:00 the babies were waking me up and by 9:00 we were on our way to the zoo to "ride carousel" and the train. We had a great time and then came home to C, where we all crashed on various couches. We finished the day with me finding the perfect shoes for our upcoming family photo shoot and burrito bowls for dinner.

I haven't figured out how to move pictures from my phone to my blog (anyone know how to do this?) so there's no photographic evidence, but aside from a brief moment when I thought we'd all be killed by a crazy lunatic, it was a totally awesome weekend.