Sunday, September 3, 2017

Never a dull moment

I've taken almost no pictures this week, but we've been pretty busy. It's been a million degrees all week (seriously) so we've been trying to keep everyone from killing each other without sending them outside. It's going...

Thursday night I came home giddy with the prospect of finally doing some laundry and actually making dinner. So of course my four year old throws out her freaking neck shaking out a garbage bag so she could join in the garbage sack races. So instead of laundry and food, I spent three hours holding a hot, sleeping, whimpering kid and praying she didn't have any permanent damage. When she woke up still crying and unable to move even after a generous dose of Motrin, we loaded the whole fam-damily up and headed to the ER. Two hours and $50 later, we had a dose of Tylenol, dinner from a vending machine, and a diagnoses of "tweaked neck." Because of course.

Feeling much better and probably getting the plague from the hospital toys


Saturday a girlfriend invited me to "Bring a buddy day" at her gym. It was a circuit style workout and it kicked. my. ass. Dear Lord, they did a lot of squats. But I think I've come to terms with the fact that I really need other people around to shame me out of slacking. There is no way I would have done that on my own. I signed up for an OrangeTheory that is opening next month. If this gym was any indication, I am going to love it (assuming I can walk afterwards.) Also, most of my most recent "Girls day" activities have required waivers, which I think is kind of ridiculous and awesome.

We took the kids to see Cars 3 and I absolutely did not tear up at the emotional struggle of an anthropomorphized racecar. And definitely not twice. It was super cute and not nearly as crowded as we expected. On a roll, we decided to watch The Dark Crystal with the kids. Dude. That movie is fucking weird. Most of the time when I try to introduce my old favorites to them, I find that the plot moves too slowly. This one held their attention, but I think because they were trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. Syd declared this morning "It may not be a repeat."

We're planning on taking the kids out into the world tomorrow, since the temperature is supposed to be below 110. Plan B is to go back to my friend's gym because I'm a masochist. I forgot how good it felt to be exhausted though, and they called me an athlete so I'll pretty much do anything they want me to. If only it wasn't a 30 minute drive away...

Does anyone have experience with OrangeTheory? Help me reassure myself that it's totally worth the price and will have me looking less like a suburban mom when C and I take our vacation next year.

It's too hot to cook real food

Today was super lazy after a strong start cleaning the house to my not-tempted-to-just-burn-it-down standard. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to plan my next tattoo, interspersed with throwing snacks at the kids and cleaning my patio furniture. However, I know that we're going to be busy tomorrow so I wanted to get the food situation squared away. I wrote out my grocery list/meal plan and we're trying out AmazonFresh so I put my order in. For roughly the same price as my cheap bag-your-own store, they're going to deliver it to my doorstep. (On Tuesday though, so pizza for all!) I'm trying this new thing where I get super organized and plan out not only dinners but also lunch and breakfast for anyone leaving the house. It's working relatively well, and our fridge is fairly empty at the end of the week. I always feel better if we get to the end of the week and nothing is rotting in the fridge.

So here's the plan:
Breakfasts: Cereal, bagels, egg sandwiches for the adults using biscuits we had in the fridge and sliced ham
Lunch: Finger foods (rolled ham, pepperoni, veggies, crackers, string cheese) Quinoa taco salad for me
Dinner:
Grilled Chicken with cucumber and tomato salad (I use this recipe and add tomato)
Meatball subs (need a side to go with this)
Tortellini pasta salad
Lasagna (was supposed to make this last week but it was too hot). I'm going to put this together this
           weekend so C can put it in the oven on the night I teach.
Sausage and veggies with corn on the cob I picked up this weekend.

I was trying really hard to find good recipes for when we're a) busy and b) it's ridiculously hot out. One would think I'd be a pro at that by now, but it's harder than it sounds and too often we revert to a drive-thru or pizza. I'm trying to be more cognizant of our eating out in an effort to both save money and not be fat forever. Does anyone have any good, healthy hot weather recipes? I'd love to hear them if you do, since it seems like it may never be Fall again...

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Stream of Consciousness

I have a whole slew of disjointed blog ideas in my brain, so I thought I'd go back to an oldie but a goodie

1) My new favorite thing to say at work is "Who did he eat?" We currently have THREE cannibals in our unit. I don't know what the base rate of cannibals is, but I'm guessing it's an overrepresented population in my particular area. Coincidentally, my second favorite thing to say is "Which cannibal is that one?" Also, poor C had to help me research what humans taste like (welcome, gross Googlers and fellow cannibal afficiandos!) because sometimes my mind gets away from me.

2) Averson started preschool this week! Facebook memories reminded me that we waitlisted her last year too, so apparently sliding in at the last second is how we roll. She is so happy to be back at school. She was giddy all day yesterday. Like, so happy it was kind of annoying.


3) After a long hiatus I got another Stitch Fix box (my 17th?!) It was good timing because a) It's one million degrees still and I hate all of my clothes and b) apparently I've gained back all the weight I lost on Whole30 plus some. I didn't take pictures of everything, but I fell in love love love with this dress. Enough so that I almost wore it to work. And then I chickened out which was good because my strictly office day turned into a housing unit day and the stairs and walkways are made out of perforated metal which means I would have been showing my chonies to everyone. So I love the dress but I'm too chicken to wear it to work until I can wear tights without dying of heat stroke.

ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN FUCKING DEGREES 

4) There is an Orangetheory opening near my house, and I got a deal on a monthly membership by signing up months in advance (at least I think it's a deal, I'm not really sure.) Back in May October seemed very far away, but now it's not. Please tell me you love OTF and that you got stronger and thinner just walking in the door.

5) It's been a million degrees out and my dogs are going stir crazy in the house. And they're really big and obnoxious. It's too hot to walk them (and I'm too lazy), and they only last about ten minutes in the yard. So they come in and bash about like over-testosteroned teenage boys. It's driving me batty. On top of that, I'm trying really hard not to let the kids stare at the TV all afternoon after school, so they're flitting about bored too. Thank God for cheap beer.


Wednesday, August 23, 2017

First day of school (a week late)

I'll make them do this until college.
Side note: they both think I'm super mean because I don't replace their backpacks every year.  They each get a "good" bag for kindergarten and I secretly hope they have these Jansports when they head off to college. 


They're so big! Eli's finishing out elementary school in the mainstream 6th grade and Syd started in the Rapid Learner Program 2nd grade. Eli is thrilled to be in a regular class and to make new friends. A week in and it seems like we made the right choice by letting him stay at this school another year. He loves his teacher and he does his homework without issue. It's pretty amazing. And Syd was super nervous because she didn't know anyone in this class (it's a standalone program program that has kids from all different districts in it.) She's making friends and also gets to see her other friends at recess, so she's happy too. We're off to a good start! 

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

All the updates


OMG. I totally had a case of writer's block, and then so much time passed that it seemed like I had to catch y'all up before I wrote about any of the new stuff, and before I knew it we missed all the things. Brace yourself. I'm going to get us caught up, and then I'll tell you all about the crazy woman who let her snotty toddler crawl all over me during my first EVER sports practice that I could actually sit in a chair and not parent for. Or maybe I'll lead with that. This speschul sneaxflaxe mother first started commenting when I tried to read my book (The Secret History of Wonder Woman. SO GOOD and I wanted to read it SO BADLY). She even gave me the "Oh man. I haven't read a book since I was nursing! That's the last time I could sit down long enough. But I've decided now that my kids need to know that mommy get's her time too!" Yes. I totally agree. That's why I brought a book to my kid's soccer practice. SO I COULD READ IT. But oh no, then she has to narrate. "Oh Wonder Woman! Look *daughter*! We watch that at home. Not the new one, the old Linda Carter one." But not in a conversational way. More in an observational way that meant I didn't know if I was being rude by responding or being rude by ignoring her. So I tried both and neither worked. And all the while the girl is asking me questions. "Who's that?" "Wonder Woman" "Who's that?" "That's Wonder Woman too." "Who's that?!" "They're all Wonder Woman." "Who's that?!" "Elizabeth Warren. Or maybe Wonder Woman"  So obviously reading wasn't happening. I started texting a friend, which we all know is the universal sign for "I'd like to not have a face to face conversation with you or your children." And this lady's kid CRAWLS IN MY LAP, with her mother watching, and starts asking if I have games. No? How about shows? No?! What about emojis? WTF kid? Also, dear mom. Don't smile lovingly while your daughter crawls in a strange woman's lap. I work in a prison. I'm trying to be nice but I'm also saying, loudly, "Oh no Sweetie! I'm talking to a friend. Please don't touch that. Nope, no games. Just boring stuff."  Seriously, WTF? FORTY FIVE MINUTES later, I had to physically move this kid so I could pack up when the practice was over. Next week, I'm bringing the hellbeasts. And they're wearing the crazy chain collars that make them look like monsters.

Okay, now I feel better. In other news(and no particular order):
Snapchat has a Picachu filter and Averson's dreams are complete

We took the girls to see an awesome (and mildly inappropriate) art exhibit and it was amazing


Eli went backpacking. Again. And got hazed. When I asked him about it he said, "That's why I love Scouts Mom! Someday I'll get to do it to a young kid too." Um. 

Scout graduated pitbull class and neither of us died. 
Averson's face-gina is gone! And more Snapchat. 

I played footy and got a sports injury. This is the only picture because the other ones looked like a pudgy middle-aged suburban mom playing a tackle sport and trying not to die. BUT, I scored a goal and tackled people and I kind of love it a lot

AND I finally finished and ordered Avery's baby book, which means that all three of my kids one now. I'm especially proud of this one. It only took four years but now I can maybe work on printing pictures or putting all my backups in the same place. Or reading a damn book. 

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

When your daughter's face is falling off and you're a jerk *Update! We're all jerks!

Fair warning: There are gross pictures in this post. I left out the really gross ones though because I'm klassy.

Last weekend during our craptastic family hike with the dogs, Averson tripped off a curb, on a super-high bridge, into traffic, and hit her face. Because of course she did. That wasn't even the highlight of that particular outing, but alas. I picked her up, dusted her off and carried her across the bridge while trying to telepathically beg Syd and C not to say anything about the blood. Which they didn't, thank the sweet baby Jesus. We wiped her up and no one was the worse for wear.

Flash forward to Monday when I come home to Averson sleeping (she's hasn't taken naps in over a year). The lip scrape that was NBD now looks a little bit rougher, but because she's our third baby and we're really busy, we chalked it up to healing. And I pretended not to notice that she was super warm and bundled up in fleece blankets despite it being, literally, 106 degrees.

Yesterday C sent me this at work

OMG. Could she look anymore miserable? I sent the picture to her pediatrician with a "Is this normal? WTF?" message. I love our doctor because she knew to call C and then e-mail me with a recap (#workingmomsunite!) with the final diagnosis of justavirus. Also, I don't find "We've been seeing this lately" all that reassuring. She didn't give anything further than "virus" which I didn't find very helpful since you know what's a virus? Herpes. 

So, no judgment, but I have always been stupidly (and silently) proud that none of us get cold sores. I fully acknowledge that my pride lays in some fucked up places, but I had a friend growing up who got heinous breakouts and they just seem so miserable and gross. I keep consulting with Dr. Google and I can't find ANYTHING else this could be. Also, googling "cold sores on my preschooler" will get you some nasty shit suggesting that this could be so much worse. Though that doesn't explain the fever and the way her damn face is swelling up. So I'm kind of hoping it's something else like HFM and not cold sores because I don't want my daughter to have the Herp. That's some serious MOTY material right there, I tell you what. Also, I won't let her touch anyone or anything with her face because of course I won't. A paragon of compassion. But I have been letting her eat her weight in yogurt tubes because she says her throat hurts on top of her mouth. At least I think that's what she's saying. You can't really tell because she sounds like the dentist numbed her mouth. 
I just went to the playroom and found her sleeping like this. That's her dress. #thirdbaby

I totally meant this to be funny but I'm going to feel like such a jerk if she's really sick and not just slowly becoming a zombie. Which I think I would still prefer over cold sores. But I think we all know that's exactly what this is going to be, so lay it on me. What are your go-to cold sore remedies? I know nothing and at this rate that thing is going to take over her face. 

Update: We finally took her to the doctor today. She's been living off yogurt tubes and then last night said her mouth hurt too bad even for those. So, the final verdict is.....

Herpangina Virus! And now to the jerk part that's actually pretty funny. So C heard "Herpangina" and immediately thought "STD," which they must get all the time because they immediately clarified that it is NOT Herpes and NOT an STD, just a really unfortunately named totally common virus. What they didn't know is that in our family "vagina" has been shortened just to " 'gina." The Bigs couldn't stop laughing when they called to give me the status update because "Avery's got 'gina! IN HER MOUTH!" And then dissolved into ridiculous giggles. And poor Avery can't talk, let alone whine or yell, so they just keep saying it. This poor girl and her jerk family. If she ever turns, it will be totally understandable if she eats us first. 

Friday, July 28, 2017

The HellBeasts


I pretend that I don't like the hounds because, well because a girl only has so much patience to go around and after the inmates and the kids and the adulting I don't want to spend much of it on someone who shits out underwear. But the fact is that I do sort of kind of like them. Even if they're heathens (much like the rest of the family.) The two of them together though is A. FUCKING. LOT. They run for about 15 hours a day. We try to walk them and it's all fine and Andy Griffith until they see another dog and turn into snarling lunging assholes, which in turn makes us look like assholes. Scout keeps digging epic holes in my yard and Atticus acts like we don't know he sleeps on the couch.
Best Guard Dogs Ever


When we got Scout, one of the deals that came with the "free dog to good home" package was a discounted obedience class run by a local pitbull advocacy group. It took me months to get into one, but finally we got in. I've never done dog training so I was really interested to see what it was about. I had high hopes for the Stepford dog of my dreams.

The first class was "humans only" and we spent TWO HOURS sitting under an overpass getting schooled on all things pitbull. TWO HOURS.  I bet we spent twenty full minutes on red nose vs blue nose (*spoiler* there is no difference!) These people have great intentions but they are a lot. Also, everyone went around the circle talking about their sweet giant "lovebug" who "just needs some manners" or "gets a little worried around other dogs" or "can't be let out of the crate because he keeps trying to kill our other pets." That last one was met with understanding smiles and murmers of "Oh yeah. I have one of those too."  Uh uh. Nope. Not me. All of the sudden Scout was sounding like a purse dog in comparison to these crazy animals.

The next week I pulled up bright eyed and bushy tailed with my required bag of meat treats (that I lovingly cooked from scratch because "dogs don't respond to regular treats"), two collars (one prong, one regular), a harness, and a special European training leash. And the Hellbeast, who doesn't get to go out much because she's a jerk (but not the eating pets kind of jerk.) Before we unloaded I said I silent prayer that neither of us would die that day.


So picture this. An overpass, covered in philosophical graffitti like "Let's fuck" and "Get bent" and homeless camp leftovers (shit you not.) A circle of big crazy pitbulls all trying to "say hello" (or as I like to call it, "rip out each others throats.") There's one very sweet teenager with the daintiest little dog I've ever seen, and next to her is this enormous man with a matching enormous pit who apparently doesn't even respond to meat and just slurps out of a water bottle the whole time. There's a sweet older lady with a CRAZY dog that snarls  and lunges at Scout every time we come near her or her stuff (because she's got a full set up including a throw rug). And of course right next to me is the lady who has her shit all figured out, with her giant well behaved dog that she just got three weeks ago. There's the couple across the way that move in tandem and keep dropping their leash even though rule #1 of pit class is "Don't ever, ever, ever drop the leash." I'm surveying the situation when I realize that I've got a freezer bag full of delicious taco meat strapped to my waist and all of these dogs missed breakfast ("so they'll be super focused.")

Really it's not terrible, as long as you don't mind being referred to by your dog's name and you don't mind the din. We're learning all sorts of useful tricks like how to focus, sit, come, and how to walk without yanking my arm out the socket. And other less useful things like staying when I take a step back, walking a figure eight, and how to keep lunging at the dickhead dog who keeps barking at you even when there is delicious oily meat in your face. Also, she still can't take a decent selfie and it's starting to be a problem.

So, good news is that we didn't die. And I get to spend the next several weekend mornings under an overpass, trying to both teach my dog "Focus," not get stabbed with a hypodermic, and not get mauled.  But you bet your ass I'm not dropping the leash.